|Rules For A Horse, By A Horse
Basic Rules For Horses Who Have A Barn To Protect
(A little humor for you. Enjoy!)
The Art Of Snorting: Humans like to be snorted
on. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family horse, to accommodate
Neighing: Because you are a horse, you are
expected to neigh. So neigh - a lot. Your owners will be very
happy to hear you protecting the barn and communicating with
other horses. Especially late at night while they are sleeping
safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a
human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and
hearing you, "Neigh, neigh, neigh..."
Stomping Cats: When standing on cross ties,
make sure you never -- quite --- stomp on the barn cat's tail.
It spoils all the fun.
Chewing: Make a contribution to the architectural
industry.... chew on your stall wall, the fence or any other
Fresh Bedding: It is perfectly permissible
to urinate in the middle of your freshly bedded stall to let
your humans know how much you appreciate their hard work.
Dining Etiquette: Always pull all of your hay
out of the hay rack, especially right after your stall has been
cleaned, so you can mix the hay with your fresh bedding. This
challenges your human, the next time they're cleaning your stall
- and we all know how humans love a challenge (that's what they
said when they bought you as a two year old, right?).
Doors: Any door, even partially open, is always
an invitation for you and your human to exercise. Bolt out of
the door and trot around, just out of reach of your human, who
will frantically run after and chase you. The longer it goes
on, the more fun it is for all involved.
Going For trail Rides: Rules of the road: When
out for a trail with your owner, never relieve yourself on your
Holes: Rather than pawing and digging a BIG
hole in the middle of the paddock or stall and upsetting your
human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over so they won't notice.
If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole,
maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes
in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct
Ground Matters: Ground manners are very important
to humans; break as much of the ground in and around the barn
as possible. This lets the ground know who's boss and impresses
Nuzzling: Always take a BIG drink from your
water trough immediately before nuzzling your human. Humans
prefer clean muzzles. Be ready to rub your head on the area
of your human that you just nuzzled to dry it off, too.
Playing: If you lose your footing while frolicking
in the paddock, use one of the other horses to absorb your fall
so you don't injure yourself. Then the other horse will get
a visit from the mean ol' vet, not you!
Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is
afraid of horses. Rock back and forth on the cross-ties, neighing
loudly and pawing playfully at this person. If the human backs
away and starts crying, swoosh your tail, stamp your feet and
nicker gently to show your concern.
Rule set #2: For Horses with a Human Family to Support
Shots: Humans are characteristically nervous when providing veterinary
care for you. In order to soothe your human, raise your head,
immediately after the injection, and provide a swinging vine.
Genetically predisposed, humans are comforted by swinging back and forth
on the lead rope while screaming primeval noises.
Rain: Humans are generally little busy bodies, like beavers, who need to
constantly build and modify. During the rain, stick either your head or
butt beyond the reach of your roof. Your human will instinctively (being
the stimulus/response creatures that they are) move you to a new stall,
and make a new roof for you later.
Shoeing: Humans are creatures driven by instant gratification. After a
good foot trimming or shoeing, trot smartly around afterwards to show
your human how nice the shoes fit. The next day, drag one foot when you
walk, to provide your little busy body with yet another project to work
Children: Human children require much nurturing in order to develop a
healthy self-ego. Never offer your right-lead canter to an adult rider.
However, permit the child the honor of the right lead. Older children
may be denied the first one or two canter cues, in order to prepare them
for adulthood. Very young children MUST be given the right lead on the
very first try.
Marriage: Your personal human attendant may also have a spouse, who
professes nonequinity. Whenever your attendant brings the non-equus
spouse to visit, you are to lavish unimaginable amounts of charm on the
non-equus spouse, and more importantly, you must act fearful of your
personal human attendant. This process must continue until such time as
the non-equus spouse converts to full equinity, or 'teases' your
attendant with a 2X4, as a prelude to the mating ritual.
Passover: Humans possess a thing called 'a sense of humor'. This is a
delightful emotional sensation that is caused by the sight or sound of
things that are out of the ordinary. You can facilitate this by
providing unusual situations to trigger the laughter response. On the
first day of a 3 day weekend, when your attendant shows up with some of
his turn-out buddies, fart loudly, then fall to the ground and stick
your tongue out. The sights and sounds you provide will stimulate the
necessary laughter response.
The Passing of a Loved One: When one of your best turn-out friends has
gone to the Great Pasture in the Sky, your human attendant will require
much comforting, as they themselves fear that they will go next. Humans
are instinctively afraid of death. Offer your comfort by making deep
hacking and wheezing coughs, that produce voluminous amounts of phlegm.
Your human will be greatly comforted, knowing that he's not the next one
Ballet Slippers: Your human attendant will often risk his safety by
wearing shoes that might not provide full protection from hazardous
ranch situations. You can correct (not punish) this behavior by
applying pressure to the unprotected foot. Humans are known to move away
from pressure, but only after making loud noises. Keep pressure applied
until your human responds correctly to this cue.